I Owe You An Explanation: Truth Is, I've Been Struggling
Perhaps you follow my journey because of your interest in my life in Korea, my sisterlock journey or my progress in the powerlifting world. Maybe you want to keep up with all things mental health or trauma-related. It could be, you’d like to know what happened to Hope in Her, the podcasts, or the Black Girl, Talk events... this is for you.
It may have seemed like things just kind of abruptly stopped and for some things it did. It’s taken me some time to get to a place to even have the energy to address it all so I hope this brings some resolve.
Moving to Korea has been quite the adjustment and while being here, it shed a light on the direction I was moving Hope In Her. To be honest, before leaving the States, I was managing so much in my personal life, I felt burnt out, and I felt like HIH was getting away from me, becoming something I did not intend for it to become so I took a step back.
Fast forward to March, while everything still isn’t perfect in some areas, I feel like I am finally getting a hang on being overseas. Then, Bam! I’m involved in an altercation that shifts my mental health in the worst way.
Without going into many details now, just know that being involved in any type of altercation in Korea is completely different than in the States. So, while my future in this country hangs in the balance and I struggle to maneuver a foreign justice system with little to no guidance, I coped the best way I knew how. Retreating.
Every day, since that day in March, has been a battle, to say the least. I’ve had to cancel events because I was unsure of what the future would hold for me. Would I have to leave Korea? The good news I'd hear would be shattered by devastating news in the same breath. Obstacles kept appearing from everywhere. I felt like, and still do, I was on the longest emotional rollercoaster in my life. The battle continues.
My nights were filled with interrupted or no sleep from increased panic attacks.
My days were consumed by depression and more anxiety. Some days were only slightly better than most and during those times, I’d force myself to interact with other people (Holi Hai and Cherry Blossom festivals) but on the inside, I was losing it.
But, more commonly I spent my time avoiding any conversation with anyone that reached out. I just didn’t have it in me. It's a feeling I can't describe but some of you may be familiar. I may have lost of few acquaintances during this time but, if you struggle with depression, this isn’t new.
It wasn’t until I was having 2 and 3 uncontrollable panic attacks where I couldn’t catch my breath or normalize my heart rate despite my best efforts did I finally decide I needed to prioritize my mental health. So, that's what I did.
Anything that didn’t attribute to my well-being, I put it to the side. Anyone that wasn’t already aware of what was happening in my life, I limited contact with. I stopped using social media. I was honest with my doctor. I started praying more, meditating, and increasing the time I allocated to reading the Bible and writing in my journal. I knew I needed an outlet and I knew I needed more time with God because everything and everyone around me was driving me crazy. There were so many things happening around me that I couldn’t conjure up the mental fortitude to address it if I wanted to. So, I didn’t. Dishes went unwashed. Laundry piled up. And calls and messages went unanswered.
Knowing if I let my physical health deteriorate as I’ve done in the past, it would only be that much worst on my mental. So, instead of falling into old habits where I’d binge eat, neglect my gym sessions and sleep for 12 plus hours (or not at all), I decided to stay focused on my health and fitness goals. So, I forced myself into the gym 5-6 days a week for however long I felt I needed to be there. And I spent the rest of my day intentionally cooking meals that aligned with my diet. I became more in tune with the changes in my body, ultimately improving my mood and giving me more goals to accomplish.
So, here I am- almost 3 months into the worst experience of my time in Korea and I am still going through it. The good news is, I am managing better and I am slowly but surely picking back up the things I’ve had to let fall by the waist side. I am rebranding HIH, planning a much needed Black Girl Talk event, being more consistent with my YouTube Channel, and diving deep in some other projects that I will discuss when the time is right.
For now, I wanted to reach out to those that may have felt as though I left them hanging or if I showed no interest in what they had going on. It wasn't my intention but, life happened. I sincerely apologize and I hope you understand I had to do what’s best for me. The “Just More Hope” journey isn’t always full of joyous highlight reels. It’s the reality that I struggle. I’m a mental health professional and I struggle. I’m traveling the world and I struggle. But, in the midst of the struggle, I still choose to fight for myself. That is what “Just More Hope” is about, showing you how your circumstances and mistakes don’t have to define you. Choose to fight for yourself today.
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