Fear Nearly Cost Me My Social Work Career

I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal for some but, I am sooooo proud of myself for being able to sign my name, Hope Coleman, LMSW. It’s a big step for me and a necessary one in order for me to reach my ultimate goal but, let me tell ya’ll why I am so overjoyed. 

Starting grad school was a leap of courage for me. I was full of fear and doubted my abilities to succeed in anything because I had failed so miserably before. If you don’t know, I flunked out of nursing school, my senior year. It was devastating for me because I saw myself as nothing more than a failure. Until that point, I considered myself to be academically apt so I took it hard and carried the disappointment and failure with me. The trauma of my failure haunted me throughout grad school despite my consistent good grades. Social work came naturally to me. I loved learning every aspect of it, even research yet, I kept expecting to fail. Instead, I graduated and it was surreal. At that moment, I realized I was capable and no longer needed to doubt myself. Graduating as a non-traditional student, in a sense, restored my confidence. But, it was short-lived because the real test would be my ability to pass the licensing exam. Doubt slowly crept back into its place in my head but, in the beginning, my newly found self-confidence gave it a good fight. However, that seed of doubt grew as I met more people who shared identical stories of not passing their first times. Cue my anxiety and panic, “How do I expect to pass this thing the first time?! How much studying should I do? Is studying enough? I really should have paid more attention in some of my classes! There’s no way I’ll make it through a 4-hour exam with my ADHD!” 

Despite the 100 self-defeating thoughts I had, I created a study plan and stuck with it… 90ish percent. With TWO full-time jobs, managing a budding business, keeping my dog alive, and trying to maintain a somewhat decent workout and sleep routine, it got rough. But, I made it through almost every scheduled 2-hour study session for a month. After each session, my head throbbed in pain but, I felt accomplished and proud for just making it through the day because that’s what it became- a day- by- day task.

Studying for me is harder than hard. Mainly because I can’t sit still and focus for too long but, also because there were so many other things I would’ve rather been doing such as dedicate time to HIH, read a non-school related book, watch Suits, sleep, drink wine… Well, occasionally wine and Suits would win, especially after a mentally exhausting day but, you get the point. I got really creative (go figure) in finding ways to study that worked for me. 

But, despite my efforts, I was worried it wasn’t enough. Failing was something that was all too familiar to me. So, I gave it to God. Every time doubt wanted to show its head, I talked to God. Some nights, I’d talk myself to sleep, and wake up to finish the conversation. I am pretty sure He was sick of me. 

But, to end this, I have to say while taking the exam, I recognized how it was nothing like I’d imagined. Those questions were, in a sense kinda HARD (more about this later) but, I was at total peace. I stayed focused and whenever I started to question myself, I’d say, “Hope, you got this” and pressed forward. I won’t lie, the 3 seconds it took for the screen to show my score, I may have stopped breathing. I PASSED! And the only thing I could say was, “THANK YOU, GOD!” 

I was overjoyed. But, in the hour it took for me to drive home, I felt something more- extreme gratitude, and pure awe in my ability to succeed. It was an overwhelming feeling that I can’t put into words. I DID IT. God did it!

I may always struggle with a little bit of doubt but, I believe it’s my lingering doubt and growing confidence that gives birth to my courage. I may have fallen in the past but, my courage will never allow me to see myself as a failure again.

*This post was originally published on www.hopecoleman.com on July 20, 2017