Running From Hope, Part 2

I’ve seen a lot of dark places… and for so long, even until a few years ago, I never believed I would ever exist without some darkness in my life. I’ve always been (and I am willing to go out on a limb and say, like most WOC) taught to just “live with your circumstances.”

"If you work hard, but still struggle to make ends meet… pray about it, but keep doing what you’re doing."

"If you were sexually abused as a child… keep it to yourself and move on."

"If you had dreams and aspirations, but an untimely pregnancy occurred… then, reconsider those dreams."

"No one you know has ever accomplished something so great, why think you could?"

Sounds familiar?

This way of thinking, I had to learn, is defeatist thinking. To think in terms of only living with your circumstances, makes you believe that your circumstances are more powerful than you are, your abilities, or your faith. No one ever teaches you to go after what you want NO MATTER your circumstances. Very few of us have been accustomed to believing that ultimately, it’s in you to change your life and the circumstances in which you choose to live.

Honestly, I can see how easily one can fall into the mindset of a defeatist. Life is hard, and sometimes you only care to manage it. Doing things despite circumstances is risky and takes courage. Go for what you truly want and accept the risk of failure or stick to what you know and learn to accept the way things are? For some, it's not worth the risk. And that’s okay for some, but what I had to learn is to STOP allowing those who were afraid to “step in the ring” and decide how I should fight.

As I mentioned in part 1, having this kind of strength and “badassness” as Brene Brown would put it, took 8 years to uncover, here’s how…

So, there I was exactly eight years ago, writing about specific events that occurred in my life- childhood sexual abuse, domestic violence, abandonment, broken relationships, death, rejection, death, depression, failure… I wrote it all down, but it was not easy. Some things were so hard to relive, I would often need a break from the memories so I’d lock away the stories for an indefinite amount of time. Writing what I remembered took energy, mental stamina, perseverance, vulnerability, and willingness to work on clearing the fog from memories I had learned to repress so amazingly well.

My first hiatus from writing lasted about six months and to be honest, I had no intention of revisiting the idea until one fateful summer day in 2009. Now, before I continue I have to inform you, dear reader, that if you don’t know me closely, you may be unaware of how emotionally charged (passionate some may call it) I can get when I speak… This is one of those moments.

So, in the Summer of 2009, my then supervisor and I had a conversation that what I now know to be a confirmation from God. At that moment, though, I wanted NOTHING to do with anything he said.

He casually mentioned to me that one day I’d minister to others. Right away, I was taken aback by his statement and needed him to explain in great detail, his reasoning for coming to this conclusion. As I recalled, not saying anything profound during our conversation to warrant such a prophetic assertion.

Nevertheless, his declaration just so happened to be in alignment with my then budding yet fragile desire to inspire women with my own stories. This was my revelation. It was during this conversation that he made the statement that would stick with me forever. With all seriousness in his voice, he said, “Hope, God gave you a story and whatever it is, you are gonna use it to minister to others."

Immaturely, I laughed at the idea at first, but his tone and his insistence wouldn’t allow me to dismiss the notion so easily and I immediately grew fearful.

The people closest to me, those who know me, are familiar with the flurry of ideas I can spew when I’m anxious or excited. My response was rattled, but I professed, “ARE YOU CRAZY?!?! I’m ONLY 23! I can’t minister to anyone! I especially can’t be preaching to anyone… I mean, I’m 23 and I am far from perfect! I drink, I go out, and I don’t know the Bible as well as I should. And furthermore, I’m not even that nice… I’m pretty sure I sin every day and people would think I was a complete joke! I have to get my life right before I can minister to anybody!” Whew… I was over the top freaked out and by the look on his face, he was completely shocked by my ability to spew so many self-doubting comments in a single breath.

However, he remained calm and reminded me by saying, “Listen, there are other ways for you to minister to people. Who said it had to be preaching? I never said it’d happen tomorrow so calm down! And I also never said you needed to live a sin-free life as a prerequisite to help others. You may not fully understand it today, but I know one day it’ll all become clear to you.” He left it at that, walked away, and left me speechless and with a headache.

At this point, I was sold in more ways than one. Deep down inside, I knew my intent was to pursue my goal to help women outside of what I then believed to be my career as a registered nurse. I also had confirmation from my role model that God might have it in his plan for me to help others with my story, as well as helping others share theirs. But, how could I do that as a nurse? Unbeknownst to me, at that time, I was only just scratching the surface to taking steps towards making my goals a reality. And even more unknowingly, did I realize it would take some failures and readjusting my life plans, to get me there.